The words exchanged by you were played off as a sweet something that you would whisper into some one's ear, but something with much deeper meaning.
With a reaction of a sparkling twinkle in my eyes that rebounded into my heart.
It expresses more the side of you I knew was there and was begging it to come to light.
For so much of ourselves do we hide and barricade in the shadows and only gradually share wit people whom we learn to deeply trust.
Some people lose the parts of them they hide and go looking for them only to become lost in the darkness and some lucky ones find a voice of light before its to late.
Others only dream of such things, to which it is like pressing the side of your face to a cold concrete wall wishing of something warmer with a heart and emotion, not a black hole of confusing feelings that constantly trip you.
its the things in life that can't say sorry are the things you remember most.
Sometimes people hear you cry and they just bang your head against the wall a couple more times, and you know its not worth it.
For some people channel through hate, selflessness, or selfishness.
But the ones that feel through pure emotion, and it hits them the hardest, they are shaken by it all, and some can't take it all and end their life, other feel the same but also feel like a part of their life is missing, and hasn't fully been completed yet.
In the end life gets turned into a bunch of words that can easily be misunderstood unless you pay close attention and accept a few misdemeanors.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
First, I really liked the idea and emotion in here. Some of the words and descriptions made it hard to understand, or to connect with the poem. You start off with a boy and a girl, but then go on to explain life? A little confusing.
Let's break this down.
H'okay. Isn't the saying usually 'sweet nothings'? The word 'something' and 'someone' dance around the point. They are meaningless words. Also, 'exchanged' insinuates sharing, which means more than just a 'you'. You need to add descriptions. Where are the sweet somethings exchanged? When? 'but something with much...' Should be 'but were something...'
Good, here's some description. Although, it is almost to abstract to allow us to feel anything. Try to put more emotion, more feeling, into it. Make our hearts beat faster as we read.
'More' makes this sentence sloppy. Maybe explain where this part was. Is it deep down inside of him? Is it on the surface, waiting to break free? Explain!
That should be 'with'.
This one ran away from you, get to the point and end the sentence. What is this voice of light? Have they found themselves, or is it someone else helping them out? Why would they go looking for the parts they hide?
Another run on sentence. What are they dreaming of - finding themselves, or losing themselves? Here's that 'something', and the abstract description. Get to the point, to the raw emotion underneath. Are those who dream wishing for a heart, for warmth?
This needs a capital and an apostrophe (It's). I think you mean 'The moments you remember most, are the ones you can't apologise for.
Run-on. How are these people banging your head against the wall? You know what's not worth it? This part needs some clarification.
What are they channeling through hate, selflessness, and selfishness? Who are these people? This one needs clarification too.
That should be others. Even in free verse you need to get your sentences to flow. You have description and metaphors, but they are hard to comprehend. Again, what are they channeling through emotion?
Why not try 'In the end, life is a bunch of words that can be easily misunderstood. So pay close attention and accept a few misdemeanors.'
Working on the flow in this poem could go a long way. Also, using description and literary techniques (metaphor, similes, symbolism, personification...) could help. This needs some basic editing and revising. Look through for run on sentences and confusing metaphors.
I really like where this is headed, and I hope you'll keep writing.
I really liked the idea, and the emotion behind this. It was filled with metaphors and symbolism, that with a little work could help the reader find a mental picture.
Okay, so first off...
If words are exchanged it insinuates two people- not just a 'you'. This sentence is weak and poorly constructed. You need to pull your readers in - make them WANT to read the rest. Where were these words exchanged? When? Give us a detailed description. You use 'something' and 'someone' too much. They are meaningless words, and you could do better. So the boy is trying to play it cool, act like this is nothing - while meaning the exact opposite? Tell us how you know this. Describe, describe, describe!
You shouldn't use periods if you aren't finished the thought/sentence. "With a reaction..." is not a sentence. What caused this reaction? Was it the sweet somethings? It's just floating there, really. Try using commas, or starting the sentence with the cause - you already have the effect. The description here is good, but you need to add more emotion, more feeling. Make our hearts beat faster, take us along for the ride.
The word more makes the sentence sloppy, so does everything that comes after the 'and'. Try to make it flow. Again, description!
For so much of ourselves do we hide and barricade in the shadows and only gradually share wit people whom we learn to deeply trust.
Some people lose the parts of them they hide and go looking for them only to become lost in the darkness and some lucky ones find a voice of light before its to late.
Others only dream of such things, to which it is like pressing the side of your face to a cold concrete wall wishing of something warmer with a heart and emotion, not a black hole of confusing feelings that constantly trip you.
its the things in life that can't say sorry are the things you remember most.
Sometimes people hear you cry and they just bang your head against the wall a couple more times, and you know its not worth it.
For some people channel through hate, selflessness, or selfishness.
But the ones that feel through pure emotion, and it hits them the hardest, they are shaken by it all, and some can't take it all and end their life, other feel the same but also feel like a part of their life is missing, and hasn't fully been completed yet.
In the end life gets turned into a bunch of words that can easily be misunderstood unless you pay close attention and accept a few misdemeanors.[/quote]
Firstly - I need to admit that i am a sucker for free verse and progressive/ experimental poetry...so anything i say is going to be bias.
OK!
I LOVED IT!
Yes, admittedly it was somewhat difficult to read, but i am sure that, this was not your concern. TY for a good read.
I really liked this poem! The style is definitely unique. The last line was my favorite, and it is entirely true.
I only have one major critique. I like the different sense of style you wrote this in, but some of the lines are a bit too long. They seem like run-on sentences that need commas and punctuation. Just be careful with that and you've got an excellent piece of work! Good job! Keep writing!
My advice would be to break it up a bit more. It's hard to read all stretched out like prose.
I liked the phrase: 'find a voice of light'. I thought it sounded... deep and... such. I can see the message you're trying to come out with... but it's a bit hard to understand. Sorry, I'm not much help.
I liked it, though.